As a self-professed introvert, I’m the first to recognize how painstaking making new friends can be. Even though I also consider myself one of the lucky ones—with a handful of ride-or-dies who I could call at 3 a.m., no questions asked—it’s been years since I’ve lived in the same state as any of them. There’s a different dynamic between friendships that fill your cup after a ten-minute voice note and those in person, building community with and seeing everyday.
And it’s that latter category that feels exponentially harder the older you get, especially if you’re nearing the beautiful age of 40. Though I’m not one to stereotypically label ages, your late 30s and early 40s do feel like an unsustainable time. Maybe you’re raising kids or making career moves, building your dream home or caring for aging parents. You’re straddling a world that you’re just beginning to feel some ownership of while a new generation prepares to overtake you. Who has time to show up, self-assured yet vulnerable, and try to make a new friend? Is it even worth it, in such a highly-politicized, tension-rife era to save space for someone else?
I’d argue, yes. Though this can be the busiest time in life for so many women, it can also be the loneliest. A recent Harvard study revealed people aged 30-44 were the loneliest group. Respondants said they were “frequently” or “always” lonely. Gen Z may get a lot of attention for this, but those midlife, quiet carers among us are some of the most affected: We need friends! So let’s look at how that process can feel less like a feat and more like an honorable investment.
Feature image by Michelle Nash.
Why Friendship in Your 40s Feels So Hard
Again, introvert here, saying that socializing often requires far more bandwidth than I feel like I have to give. Given all the areas competing for our energy—careers, caregiving, kids, self-improvement—there feels little leftover to devote to someone new.
There’s also the very real intimidation factor of trying to earn a spot in a pre-established friend group. Especially if you’ve moved to a new area where it seems like everyone already has their friends (been there), it requires a huge amount of self confidence to resist the fear of reliving high school. Culture likes to say, “you should have your people by now.” But the reality is, most people don’t. You just have to find the ones who see your value as much as you do.
Why Friendship Is More Important Than Ever
The truth is, we need connection. Outside of a screen, beyond the virtual high-fives, there’s no replacement for the real benefits of real face time. Friendship in your 40s may feel like an uphill climb, but it’s a pursuit worth lacing up for.
- Mental and physical health benefits: Deep social connections =a longer, healthier life. A study in PLOS Medicine found that people with strong social relationships have a 50% higher survival rate compared to those with weaker relationships. That’s akin to quitting smoking.
- Modeling connection: How you show up in the world is witnessed by your kids, your partner, and those around you. When they see you texting a friend to check in, prioritizing a coffee date, or even repairing a rift with humility, they learn what it means to be—and live—in community.
- Depth over breadth: If there was a mantra for friendships in your 40s, it’d be quality over quantity. The older I get, the more I can appreciate the freedom I have in just being myself. This is a win for mature friendships, where you can skip the posturing and dive into what really matters.
- Community as resilience: If you’re in your 40s, the world has changed a lot since you were 20 (dare I say, even since you were 35?). Your current social life doesn’t have to mimic your college days, but in a post-pandemic, post-Zoom-fatigued society, we’ll always need the quiet, human comfort of knowing someone sees you and is there for you.
How to Nurture the Friendships You Already Have
If you’re in your 40s, chances are that includes some friendships that time has well-seasoned. Those can be rare jewels—people who have seen you through many lifetimes and helped you to the other side. These friendships can be great sounding boards and anchors in some of life’s busiest, and hardest, moments.
- Lower the bar: You’ve built the history, now the benefit of longer friendships can be balanced by quick voice memos, walk-and-talks, or 10-minute coffee catch-ups. Take the pressure off a required day-long hang in order for closeness to build. Maintain it through smaller moments.
- Learn love languages: Yes, this counts for friendship too! Be clear about asking how a friend feels valued and best receives love. Don’t underestimate the power of asking, “How can I be a better friend to you?” Follow through on the answers.
- Build rituals: Monthly book clubs, birthday brunches, or quarterly video calls—keep it light but consistent. Maybe the days of spontaneity have lessened, but the commitment to a certain time and date on the calendar can be just as rich.
- Communicate your care: Texts don’t have to be long. “Thinking of you” goes a long way, as does a quick note of affirmation. You’ll never regret being generous with your words when the recipient is a friend.
- Give (and ask for) grace: Life happens—don’t let guilt become a barrier. If you feel like you’ve dropped the ball on checking in or following up with a friend, ask for forgiveness. We all know what it means to be human. There’s something powerful in the repair of admitting that and finding a way forward.
How to Make New Friends in Your 40s (Yes, It’s Possible!)
Now comes the intimidating part: how to show up and ask someone to be your friend? The best advice is to let it take time. You may encounter closed-off people who are satisfied with their friend groups; those people aren’t for you. Friendship in your 40s can be deeper, more intentional, and even more fulfilling than in your younger years. Staying open, humble, yet confident will attract the right ones into your orbit.
- Go where your people are: Let your interests lead. Fitness classes, local events, parent meetups, creative workshops—trust that what you’re interested in can be a natural icebreaker to getting to know someone new.
- Be open and curious: Ask questions and listen well; relationships often start small. Again, this isn’t about forcing a friendship to bud overnight, but slowly developing a skillset to notice where there may be an opening for connection.
- Leverage online spaces: From local Facebook groups to community apps like Peanut, Bumble BFF, or even DM’ing someone you align with on social media. It might feel a little awkward, but remember—so many others are in the exact same boat, just waiting for someone to paddle first.
- Say yes more often: It’s easy to default to staying in, especially when life feels so busy. But try saying yes a little more often—to the quick coffee, the walk after drop-off, the casual invite that pops up in your group chat. Every “yes” is a small act of posturing toward something new.
- Notice the micro-moments: The beginnings of friendship can often hide in plain sight. The mom you see at school pickup, your neighbor you’ve waved to a dozen times, the person next to you at the Saturday market. Start with a smile, then a simple, “How’s your week going?”
- Be the initiator: At the heart of it all, building friendship in your 40s is about intention. It’s about showing up with warmth, curiosity, and courage—and modeling the kind of thoughtfulness you’d want to receive. It may not happen instantly, but when it does, it will be rooted in depth, alignment, and shared life experience.
Rewriting the Narrative
Midlife friendship might look different, but it can also be deeper, more intentional, and more soul-nourishing than ever. This is a full season for many of us, but that means we also have more wisdom to give. By being available and open, we can build a community that looks exactly how it’s meant for our unique life’s journey. Take one small step today to reach out to that friend—whether they’re new or a tried-and-true—and hold space for possibility. When friendship blossoms, it’s always worth the wait.
