Greg Gutfeld: Sometimes the left has to ‘make up’ hate

What a great show tonight. John Rich is here. Yes. He is a famous country singer. And I know this because under his cowboy hat is another smaller cowboy hat. That’s right. Charlie Kirk, the founder of TPUSA, is here. He has no idea where he is because he’s hammered on relief factor. Sebastian Gorka is a dealer. Tom Shillue, guess someone got sick and we needed a fill in. What a coup to land him as a guest, though. I kid he works next door as a greeter at Applebee’s. And, of course, Kat. You know Kat. Currently, she’s living on a steady diet of vape smoke and bar olives. 

GREG GUTFELD: A BUNCH OF ‘ZEROES’ GOT DAVE CHAPPELLE’S SHOW CANCELED IN MINNESOTA

So about my weekend. It was great. I watched a movie called “Ambulance.” Well, that’s a huge change from my usual weekend when I watch a movie while I’m in an ambulance. It’s nonstop, adrenalized action. And no surprise, it’s directed by Michael Bay, who has all the subtlety of Nancy Pelosi’s plastic surgeon. 

But the movie’s also a finger in the eye of modern cinema, and that, unlike the others, it aims to please the audience. It hits in the face like it made a joke about Will Smith’s wife.

So I thought, Why not hire Bay to create our new ad for Gutfeld!? Why not indeed. 

MICHAEL BAY STYLE GUTFELD PROMO: I play by my own rules. I’m America’s bad boy. Now we’re the most successful late-night show in the history of all television. Get out of my way, I’ll crush you like a bug. Kat, what are we going to do? What’s going on? Do you have any bruises? It was just so pathological. You’re wasting my time. They create phony resistance. What is wrong? She gave us $4 million. Blood money. I am so blind with rage. I don’t need to hear about your body fluids except poop. 

Was it really Michael Bay? Just an idea. 

All right. So on Sunday, I was speaker at Turning Point in Tampa. I made an understated entrance. I love all that steam, so dramatic, plus they moisturized. Reminds me of the days working at Chippendales. I call it work, but I was really just volunteering. They asked me to leave. 

I also had a pretty good opening act. I mean, talk about an ugly baby. Holy crap, who brings their kids out there? After two years with Kat, though, that dog needs his own emotional support Dog. I would have walked out with my pet, but I keep Sven locked in a closet so his parents keep thinking he’s really backpacking in Europe. 

But earlier, something weird happened that tells you all you need to know about the media and their politics. Some creeps showed up outside with Nazi flags, a brilliantly original idea. I guess it was meant to be a stunt to smear the thousands of students by thinking they’re like-minded souls. It’s much like when Lincoln Project tried to smear Republican Governor Youngkin at a rally. I don’t know if you remember that when they dressed up like some idiots in cheap khakis and polo shirts, just like they marched over from a sale at Target. 

It’s a loser stunt, but it revealed some key facts. One – some people want to call you a racist so badly that they’ll become a racist to do it. And also, we have no idea who they are. That’s odd. They could be real Nazis. And I say if it quacks like Hitler, it’s Hitler. But they were they Nazis for a day? Sent from a counterprotest temp agency? I think so. I mean, my guess is it’s a sleazy trick by the left to make lazy journalists think Nazis and young conservatives overlap. They displayed deeply offensive bigotry by emulating the bigotry themselves, which really isn’t a stretch for them anymore. If you don’t believe me, ask Uncle Clarence Thomas or the face of white supremacy himself, Larry Elder. 

Unfortunately for the left, since there weren’t actual racists there, they had to play dress up because when there’s a shortage of hate, sometimes you got to make up some of your own. 

And it got picked up by the media faster than Parmesan crumbs on Hunter’s rug. Who reported it without really doing any reporting at all. I mean, you think that you’d want to know who these people are, you know, track them down, dox them, get their names, you know, try to out them and ruin their lives like they do to parents who dare to speak up at a Board of Education meeting. 

But it’s almost like the media knew who they were already, so why bother? And here, I thought the real domestic threat was white supremacy, and yet the media can’t be expected to follow up. But in all fairness, they still were reporting on January 6th. Did I say reporting? I mean, being court stenographer for Adam Schiff. 

Now, if this Nazi slime were actual Republicans, you could bet they’d already have their names, addresses, favorite vegetable and blood type. And if they’re real Nazis, well, those people aren’t known for keeping a low profile. 

Meanwhile, inside the hall at TPUSA, there were thousands of kids coming to listen to me. Kat and others like Pete Hegseth and Judge Jeanine. Judge put on a hell of a speech. You could hear her voice from the space station. 

JUDGE JEANINE: We can’t give money for Americans in American stores who are working to defend themselves. Of course not. 

I hope she’s not watching. And the reaction when Pete Hegseth spoke? Oh my. He really is our generation’s David Cassidy. He even uses the Partridge Family school bus to drive around all his children. But who was the most beloved speaker? I think you know the answer. 

So basically this is Woodstock for Fox fans, except acid has been replaced with My Pillow. But it’s a good thing because today there are more ways than ever to combat the groupthink of the campus left. It’s organizations like this. You know, I didn’t have it when I was a kid. You know, other people around that shared my views. Well, if you don’t count Dungeons and Dragons on Friday nights. But usually I had to find my own fun. Thank God for my Farrah Fawcett poster. What do you mean? I don’t understand. 

But the event shows you the difference between tactics. Inside the building, it’s action and practical advice. Outside, it’s stunts designed to destroy, catering to a pliable media. They’re so addicted to their own **** they have to bring it with them. 

It’s much like the January 6 show trial. Everyone knows it’s political theater spoon fed like Joe Biden’s Gerber strained peas. But they gush over it anyway. 

CHRIS HAYES: The sheer amount of new information they have uncovered is genuinely remarkable. 

STEPHEN COLBERT: I mean, how well they’ve given it to us. 

CHRIS HAYES: That is the other thing was exactly what I was just going to say. It is as a television practitioner. Yeah. It has been a tour de force of production. 

STEPHEN COLBERT: I think it’s going to change how any congressional hearing is held to a standard because, you know, the circus that usually happens is no longer going to be seen as entertainment.

So they’re not even hiding the fact that it’s propaganda, that it’s indeed a production, and they embraced it because being entirely one-sided, there’s no annoying counterpoint that might turn it into a circus. 

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It’s like a puppet show where they have their hands up their own asses. Don’t try that. It’s harder than it looks. It’s also a stunt to placate lazy journalists who think summarizing stuff from a televised hearing is work. It isn’t.

You know what’s work. Go outside and talk to Americans how they feel about their money being spent on trials that will now extend into September. My choices is they’ll bite your head off. Let me rephrase that. My prayer is they bite your head off. 

They’re worried about gas prices, food shortages, rising crime and their 401K turning into a 101K. They don’t give a damn about a bunch of idiots playing dress up. And I’m not even talking about the Nazis.