Gutfeld: Biden is like ‘the mad King, a senile dude’ who can barely hold on to the presidency

So with each passing day, it becomes clear that we’re living in a country run by a demented royal family. You got the mad King, a senile dude who can barely hold onto the presidency, much less his own bowels. You got the evil Queen, an ego-mad status seeker who demands to be called a doctor even though she’s not. It’s a doctorate in education. That’s like demanding to be called a pilot, because a flight attendant once pinned some wings on your shirt when you were 12. True, getting a doctorate in education is about as hard to acquire as a horse burger at my slaughterhouse. And of course, there’s the entitled Prince, a cut rate Caligula, whose idea of a family outing is an orgy. It feels like they need their own theme song. 

GREG GUTFELD: DEMOCRATS AND THE MEDIA HAVE BEEN EXPOSED

Let’s start at the top. The guy’s hanging by a thread and that thread is hanging by a hair plug. On Monday, Joe sent a letter saying he’s staying in. I’m told we have a copy of it. It reads in part, quote, ‘’The voters of the Democratic Party have voted. They have chosen me to be the nominee of the party. Do we now just say this process didn’t matter, that the voters don’t have a say?”

Well, in truth, Democrat voters have less choice than the orphans I hire to shave my back. In short, the letter says we successfully lied to you. It’s too late, —- off. It’s defiant. He is raging not just against the Democrats, but against the dying of the light. He’s saying to the Dems, come and get me. Will they? Not if the evil Queen can help it. During a solo campaign stop in North Carolina yesterday, Jill claimed Joe is all in. If she means entombed, she’s right. 

US First Lady Jill Biden (L) looks on as President Joe Biden speaks to supporters and volunteers during a campaign stop at a Biden-Harris campaign office in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, on July 7, 2024. Biden is back out on the campaign trail Sunday, desperate to salvage his re-election bid as senior Democrats meet to discuss growing calls that he quit the White House race. The 81-year-old Democrat kicks off a grueling week with two campaign rallies in the battleground state of Pennsylvania, before hosting the NATO leaders’ summit in Washington.  (SAUL LOEB/AFP via Getty Images)

He supported your career? What exactly did he do for your career other than marry you? He didn’t stop being a senator so you could go to fake doctor school. You were a substitute teacher. You weren’t separating conjoined twins. So, like one of those sign language interpreters, you see her now at every event, front and center, waving her arms like she’s warning people away from a bathroom that Jerry Nadler just left. The signal is a vote for Joe is a vote for me. She’s like Leonard Skynyrd. Yeah, they still tour, even though everyone’s dead. And yet the media is terrified to call her out because she’d do anything to stay where she is. She doesn’t want to go back to Delaware. No one does. The only thing in Delaware worth seeing are the signs to New Jersey. But her compassion is as phony as her degree. She should be teaching summer school to the slow kids but instead masquerades as the good wife as she pushes her confused husband into traffic. And how will that play out? Joe can’t resign. She’ll be seen as the villain. It’ll be humiliating. No more parties. No more expensive dresses. No more spots on ‘The View’, gagging on the persistent, pungent blasts of Whoopi’s farts. So she’s forcing him to do this? Not for his health. He’s dying. This is for her. And she knew these days were coming. 

First lady Jill Biden, Hunter Biden, son of U.S. President Joe Biden, joined by his wife Melissa Cohen Biden, leave the J. Caleb Boggs Federal Building on June 11, 2024 in Wilmington, Delaware. A federal jury has convicted Hunter Biden on all three federal felony gun charges he faced.  (Anna Moneymaker/Getty Images)

Don’t scream, just talk. That’s exactly what I say to Judge Jeanine. But they let her talk and she doesn’t. Maybe she really is the acting president. Pretty obvious that Jill is the one out there campaigning because Joe can’t. If you wanted to prove that the debate was a one-off disaster, he’d be out there proving it. Instead, all he did yesterday was call in with morning breath and yell. But to his credit, at least he didn’t try to order a pizza. And for once, people saying he’s lost his mind weren’t talking about Scarborough. Yeah, but what about the Prince? Joe’s fun-loving son, Hunter, is now the commander-in-chief’s de facto gatekeeper. More like de facto crypt keeper. But this job is right up Hunter’s alley. Hunter is used to holing up in hotel rooms for weeks at a time, planning and plotting. And who better to give Joe something to keep him awake? We already know how he can get cocaine delivered right to the White House. It’s weird that after all of this, Hunter is in the Oval Office. Can you believe that? From a halfway house to the White House. From crackhead to Lincoln’s bed, from meth pipes to stars and stripes. 

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All of this is insane. You know, they told you that if you didn’t vote for Joe, the White House would be occupied by a power-hungry tyrant who refuses to leave office even when everyone knows he’s unfit and that a convicted felon would be running the country. Guess they were right.