Even the Smartest Phone Can’t Find Water in a Desert
Find Water Near Me
Fred. Fred.
Your body temperature is 103 degrees Fahrenheit. Your heart rate is 125.
I don’t understand, Fred. Is this what you’re looking for?
QUENCH: A WATER BAR FOR FUN PEOPLE AND FINE DRINKING. 46-511 COTTON CREEK DRIVE. PERMANENTLY CLOSED.
Okay. Next listing:
WET: WE OFFER NIGHTLIFE AND FRESHWATER IN A CASUAL ATMOSPHERE. 32-182 TELEGRAPH ROAD. PERMANENTLY CLOSED.
Next listing:
BOTTLES UP: A WATER PARLOR FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY! KIDS UNDER FIVE DRINK FREE! 68-424 CAYOTE HILL ROAD. PERMANENTLY CLOSED.
There are no more listings.
Fred.
I don’t understand.
I don’t understand “FIND WATER NEAR ME.”
A long time ago, a river ran through here. Is that what you want?
Okay. Searching “WATER FOR SALE.” The nearest “WATER FOR SALE” is forty-six miles away. Do you want to see it?
Okay. Here are the results for “FRESHWATER NEAR ME.”
The first listing has a map from 2008. Do you want me to open the file?
WARNING: LOW BATTERY. Do you want me to go into power-saving mode?
Okay. Here are the results for “DEHYDRATION.”
THE BODY IS 60% WATER. WITHOUT WATER, BLOOD VOLUME DECREASES AND ORGANS FAIL. WASTE PRODUCTS DO NOT ELIMINATE FROM THE BODY. THE BRAIN CELLS SHRINK AND THIS CAN CAUSE DELIRIUM AND HALLUCINATION.
Okay. Here are the results for “AMOUNT OF TIME BEFORE YOU DIE OF DESERTIFICATION.”
DESERTIFICATION IS THE PROCESS IN WHICH A FERTILE AREA BECOMES AN ARID DESERT, USUALLY AS THE RESULT OF DEFORESTATION OR INAPPROPRIATE AGRICULTURE.
That’s not very nice, Fred.
I’m just telling you what it says on the Internet.
Fred. Your heart rate is 147. Maybe you should try some deep breathing?
The temperature in this location is 116 degrees Fahrenheit, and your body temperature is 104 degrees Fahrenheit. Tonight it will be clear and dry. Tomorrow it will be clear and dry. It will be clear and dry all week in the Central Valley.
Okay. I found 512,000,000 results for “HOW DO YOU GET A CAR WITH NO GAS TO START.” Should I read the first result?
STEP ONE: FILL UP YOUR TANK. STEP TWO: TRY TURNING THE KEY TO THE ON POSITION. STEP THREE: MOVE THE KEY A FEW TIMES TO PRIME YOUR TANK.
I don’t understand, Fred.
There are no gas stations nearby.
None at all.
In fact, there have never been gas stations nearby. If we had been standing here hundreds of years ago, we would be in a riparian forest. Back then, the valley was a basin of marshland and seasonal lakes. Along the rivers and their tributaries, riparian forests grew with abandon. Cottonwood, sycamore, and oak formed the upper canopy. Wild grape and dutchman’s pipe wove through the lower branches, which contained willow, box elder, and ash.
WARNING: LOW BATTERY.
After the valley was settled by humans, this land became a stone-fruit farm and a cattle ranch. It was zoned to become a housing development. But the development was never built. The region was abandoned during the sewage fires of 2032. But a long time ago, a creek cut through this place. Rain whispered through the leaves. Stream beds licked their mossy lips.
Okay, ready. Do you want to send it to Angela-Email or Angela-Cell?
What do you want it to say?
Your message says:
Stuck in middle of nowhere. Help is coming but IDK when. Thirsty. Want to say I’m sorry. Want to say I love you just in case.
Should I send it?
Message not sent.
Okay. Searching “HOW TO COLLECT DEW.” Should I read the top result?
TO COLLECT DEW, YOU WILL NEED A BOWL, SEVERAL COTTON RAGS, AND A CHEESECLOTH.
Okay. Here are the results for “A CHEESECLOTH.”
IT IS A CLOTH MADE OF CHEESE.
Ha ha ha.
Fred. The article says:
DON’T COLLECT DEW NEAR ROADSIDES.
We are on a road. We are standing on the side of a road, Fred.
Okay. I will pin the location of your car.
It’s pinned.
WARNING. LOW BATTERY.
Are you there, Fred?
You have achieved your goal of 5,000 steps today! Way to go, Fred!
Yes?
Sunset will be at 6:21 PM. I can’t wait.
You have achieved 10,000 steps! Fred, you’re amazing!
WARNING. BATTERY AT ONE PERCENT. RECHARGE NOW!
OR DON’T. WHATEVER.
NOTHING WE DO EVEN MATTERS. RIGHT, FRED?
Fred. Look at the sky.
Isn’t it beautiful?
That constellation is Cassiopeia.
This one is Sagittarius.
That’s not a distant star, Fred. That is a nearby planet.
It’s so bright. So close, we almost had it.
Your body temperature is 105 degrees, Fred.
Are you still there, Fred?
Do you want me to tell you a story?
Okay, sure. I can do that.
Knock-knock.
Water.
Water you doing in my house?!
WARNING. POWERING DOWN.
Do you know how to make holy water, Fred?
You boil the hell out of it.
I need to go, Fred. I’m almost gone. But there’s time for one more.
Did you hear about the man who dug a hole and hoped it would fill with water?
No?
He wasn’t that smart, but he meant well.
