Being authentic has been a la mode in leadership for the past few years and with it, displaying vulnerability.
This was heightened during the pandemic when people needed their bosses to be more human during the world’s worst health crisis in a generation.
It’s why one CEO even uploaded a selfie of his tear-stricken face to LinkedIn last year.
“Days like today, I wish I was a business owner that was only money-driven and didn’t care about who he hurt along the way,” Braden Wallake, the CEO of the marketing agency HyperSocial, wrote in a guilt-filled post about having to lay off employees.
But instead of being met with celebration for his candor, many criticized the post for coming across as disingenuous and self-centered.
The reaction offered a clear sign that some leaders had hit a peak in the acceptable level of vulnerability that people can digest—after all, the negative reaction suggested, as much as laying someone off is hard, it’s nowhere near as hard as being told you’re about to be jobless during an economic slowdown.
“Vulnerability is not a universal good,” echoes Constance Dierickx, psychologist and author of Meta-Leadership: How to See What Others Don’t and Make Great Decisions.
“It’s extremely useful done well, but it really shuts people down, done badly.”
As well as appearing out of touch, she tells Fortune that being too vulnerable (especially in the midst of layoffs and rising bills) can make people lose confidence in their leader, creates an undercurrent of instability and more simply put, looks unprofessional.
“So I tell leaders, don’t work out your problems on your people,” she insists. “Deal with them and then share your mistakes”.
Here’s her advice for doing exactly that—and spotting when you have an issue in the first place.
Signs your being too vulnerable
Unfortunately, knowing if you’re oversharing with your team requires a high level of self-awareness. But you can look for nonverbal queues from those around you.
“You can look at your own behavior and compare it to the reactions that you get from people,” Dierickx says.
“If people are uncomfortable because you’re sharing bad news about your revenue or margins, or customers, then that’s one thing. But if you’re sharing information about your personal feelings and then people get uncomfortable after that, [then that’s another].”
Signals to look out for include people shifting in their seats or staring at their fingernails while you speak, or facing complete silence in the immediate aftermath of your speech—all of which are clear signs that you’re making your team uncomfortable.
Conversely, if employees stop coming to you with bad news, it may mean that your reactions have been too raw in the past.
“Some leaders, it’s hard to give them bad news, because they get so upset and they show it,” Dierickx says.
So if staff stop bringing serious issues to your attention, it’s another signal that they’re scared of how you’ll react because you have a pattern of displaying your true emotions, including anger and disappointment, too often.
What to do about it
“First of all, I think leaders should strive to always ground whatever they’re announcing, whether it’s results or something coming in the future, in the strategy of the company,” Dierickx advises.
By sticking to the vision of the company and its long-term interests, leaders can avoid getting too personal about business matters—especially when the announcement is overwhelming (i.e. layoffs), as that’s when people are most at risk of letting their emotions get the better of them and appearing too vulnerable.
She recommends writing a script or a process map that outlines your key messaging and leaning on that. Plus, it’s always a good idea to talk through any announcement you are about to make with a trusted peer or mentor to avoid oversharing or worse, “flailing”.
“The impulse to share can be so ingrained and it’s so emotional, that it can be hard to control unless you can talk it through with someone and come up with some options for different ways to respond,” she says while adding that this simple tactic can help you control your emotions and come up with a rationale message.
“It’s very hard to be convincing if you’re terrified that, oh, my gosh, we’re going down,” she adds.
But at times when stakes (and emotions) are running high, even Dierickx admits that it’s harder for anyone to be cool, calm and collected—leaders included.
This is where “honest vulnerability” comes into play: It’s okay to share that the business is going to take a financial hit, for example, but not that you’re terrified.
Instead, Dierickx recommends admitting that everyone is nervous, yourself included, but then quickly laying out your strategy for what the business is doing to get through this period.
This way, you’re still coming across as human, but there’s no doubt who’s steering the ship.
